Coming or leaving?
The obvious answer is coming. That day officially changed everything for the rest of our lives. That day will never be forgotten. You all know about that day.
But don’t let that fool you. As I head back to Vegas, tears flow from my eyes and my heart hurts, this is hard. Very hard. For 6 weeks I have been there for my daughter and for my wife. For 6 weeks, I show up every morning to the hospital, hopefully to those wonderful Emerson smiles and joys. For 6 weeks, I met with doctors, spent hours each day in the hospital, and Andrea and myself created a new, albeit temporary, lives for ourselves. For 6 weeks, we got to know the area, where to go, where to shop, where to eat, and created our own little routine. For 6 weeks, every single day, we had each other. For 6 weeks, we leaned on each other, cried on each other, slept next to each other, encouraged each other, laughed with each other. Family is everything. Being displaced for 6 weeks is a long time, and we did it, and we have made the “best” out of it. And this is still only the beginning.
I left Vegas and my home and my friends and my job the day that all of this happened. And I have not been back. I have never thought about going back. I didn’t nor do I want to go back. But I have to. I have to for my family. I know this. This does not make anything easier.
My wife is a rockstar. There is no one else I trust most with staying back and handling “things”. She is strong. She fights for E. She knows the routines and the hospital. She knows rounds. She knows questions to ask and what to look for. She has her notebook with information and notes from EVERY DAY of rounds. The attending doctors literally want to wait for Andrea to be in the room to do rounds, not me. That is my wife. For real, God knew what he was doing.
The very real thing is that I would not leave if I didn’t think my daughter was in an okay place. I know she is critical. Anything, including too much feed, could set her way back. I know this. But I needed one good week from her in order to go back. I needed her to show me one good week. And this past week was good overall. She smiled every single day at some point. She played every single day at some point. She was active. I got to hold her often. She feel asleep in my arms a few times. This was a good week.
But man, am I going to miss the daily smiles. The showing up in the morning when she is awake, and walking to her bed, and her looking at me, and realizing who I am, and just giving me the biggest open mouth smile with her arms and legs going crazy. Just telling the world "Hey Dad! This is my Dad!". Just knowing that my daughter KNOWS that I am her dad and how happy she is to see me. That. Is. Everything.
I am trying to figure out how I am suppose to go back to teaching with this. The honest question is how do I care about other kids when my own baby is in the cardiac ICU in California?? And I don’t have the answers. I know that I care. I know that I care about teaching and my job and I want the best out of my kids. This will never change. I know me. I know that i will need help. I am blessed with great and amazing co-workers. I know I will need prayers. I know I will need patience. I know I will need understanding.
So, the next part of our journey starts. Me being back in Vegas and working and teaching; coming out on the weekends. My wife in Loma Linda watching and loving on and being with Emerson every day. And more worries from me come. I will always worry about Emerson and her health and well being and how she is doing. Now I worry about not being there for my wife. She will be by herself, walking by herself, going to the hospital at night by herself, sleeping by herself…there is lots of worry from me with her being okay, physically and emotionally.
Guys, I need help with continual prayers during this next phase of our journey.
As you well know, Brandon: the more you give, the more you get. Prepare for surprise in seeing how wonderful and rich the gifts will be in allowing your work and your school kids into your nexus, and how richly their perspective and love will open your perspective in the longing. This will be difficult, but you are holding on and hanging in so well. We are so proud of all of you.
ReplyDeletePraying so much for you. Praying that your travels are safe, and easy. Praying for you in your lonely times. Praying for Emmerson so you can all come home and be together. Praying for Andrea that she remains strong. I represent so many that are lifting you up right now. Lean in.
ReplyDeleteMy situation does not even come close to what you and Andrea are going through, but I am a wife to a husband who travels. When they were little, he traveled a lot. I remember once I was in the ER with one of ours and he was on a plane. I couldn't even tell him what was going on for four hours. I sat in the ER alone and handled it. I handled it because I knew that my husband was my partner. Whether he was their physically or not, whether I could talk to him or not we were partners. His confidence in me to handle all of the daily life events while he was gone helped give me the strength to be what the kids needed. You may not be there physically, but trust me when I say, she feels you. When she has to make decisions, she will grow to make them confidently even if she can't confer with you. Once again, she can do all of that because she feels your love, confidence and trust in the amazing person that she is. You are her partner whether you are physically with her or not. I will pray that God gives you the peace to understand that and the words to tell Andrea when you talk so that she can feel it too.
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