A Mother’s Heart

I always thought I would be a young mom, have kids in my early 20’s and be done by the time I was 30. God had other plans, as I was 30 when I had my first baby. Looking back, I wouldn’t have changed this for the world. I grew so much in my 20’s to learn about myself and who I was, and these experiences helped prepare me for the mom I am today. I think I’m a pretty good mom.

I love my baby girl more than anything I ever thought possible. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with her, I loved her so much. I felt her first kicks when we were at a Styx and Don Felder concert (girl has good taste). I didn’t think my heart could love her anymore, then I saw her for the first time. Floods of emotions hit me. My baby girl was finally here after months of anticipation. Our family had started, and I soaked up every moment with her.

Suddenly your life is changed forever, for the good. It’s not about me anymore or my schedule, and I was perfectly ok with that. I didn’t mind waking up through the night to feed her. I didn’t mind getting less hours of sleep. Anything to make sure she knew she was loved and cared for. I never wanted to leave her, ever. Not even to go to the grocery store. I didn’t even want to think about going back to work, because I didn’t know how I was going to leave her all day. Emerson clearly didn’t want me to go back to work either... but she didn’t have to be this extreme.

My heart hurts for so many reasons. Everyone keeps saying “I know you’d take this pain from her if you could,” and that couldn’t be more true. The hard part? She’s so young and doesn’t know what’s going on, she can’t verbalize anything. As a 3 month old, you shouldn’t have to experience pain to this measure. 

The feeling of helplessness doesn’t cut it. Besides be here to comfort her and pray over her, there’s literally nothing I can do for my daughter. That sucks. You go from being on top of the world and loving the life you’re living, to literally experiencing your worst nightmare. 

For 90 days, I woke up next to Emerson.

For 90 days, I changed 10+ diapers daily.

For 90 days, I held her and cuddled her when I wanted.

For 90 days, I could have her sleep in my arms.

For 90 days, I could hear her noises.

For 90 days, I could feed her. 

September 23rd was the last day I did any of those things, and some I will never be able to do again.