Control

Control. We all like to feel we have it. For me personally, I am one that likes to be in control of the situation. I like driving my own car. I like feeling that I have a say in decisions. Maybe this part of the reason I’m a teacher, I like managing things my way. I have always been this way, even as a little kid. If I wanted something, I would stop at nothing to get it. Some may call that being stubborn ;) my family would tell you that’s very accurate. Though I don’t follow/read into much about horoscopes, my sign is a Taurus- the bull. So do I have a strong personality? Can I be considered hard-headed? Without a doubt.

All of those qualities mean nothing in the situation we are in with Emerson. I am not calling any shots. I am not making any decisions for her, rather being told what the decisions are and I just sign consent. This is something I’m struggling with big time. When Emerson was home with us, I could make all the decisions she needed. Time to eat? Time to nap? Time to change the diaper? I got this.

So relinquishing control, and having to do so rather abruptly, is a big adjustment for me. This is definitely a lesson God is trying to teach me. Because at the end of the day, He is in control of everything. Is it easy to admit this and let go? Absolutely not. I find myself still trying to cling to any sort of control I may have. Which is literally zero, but I like to think I have some.

Obviously this is a very new “season” for our family and we are trying to just go with it. But I know through it all, the even bigger lesson I’m supposed to get is how to let go and fully trust God is watching out for us. I know He is, with everything that has happened over the last 11 days, there’s not a doubt in my mind God was guiding us and the doctors to get us where we are. I’ve mentioned this before, but God is in even the little things and I can see Him working. I just have to take a step back and let Him do it. Because at the end of the day, who’s decisions are going to be what’s best for Emerson? Surely not mine.