One Month

One month.

One month today we came out to Loma Linda and we haven’t left.

We are on our 5th week with our 5th different attending doctor.

We definitely know this hospital life now. We know the daily. We know how things operate. We know the medical language and what is going on. We know when nacho day is. We know the nurses. Have actually made pretty good friends with some of them.

Is that good or bad?

There are so many things we have learned along the way. In terms of life lessons. I will never take for granted again of having a child, and a healthy one at that. I will never take for granted just the pure ability to hold my child whenever I wanted. How I yearn for those days. I now know those were the good days, and I 100 percent took them for granted. The days of coming home late from teaching and then coaching and just telling Andrea, “It’s okay, I will hold her tomorrow”. And you just think those days will always continue. Something like this happens, and you never in a million years would have guessed this. Never.

One month in and it doesn’t get any easier. And I hurt. I hurt a lot. I hurt all the time. And it just builds and it builds and it builds....it doesn’t get any easier.

The hard days are the days when she has bad days when she just had some good ones. The days that her heart rate is lower, and you can tell she is content and calm, and the way she looks at you and the smiles that she gives. Those are the good days. Those days we cherish. Those are the days we want Emerson to continue to have. I mean just selfishly, she is the darn cutest kid in the world, and those smiles and those clear eyes are magic to the heart.

Unfortunately, not all days can be good days. When she has bad days, heart rate is more elevated, she can’t calm down, she is fussy, she cries, she gets drugs, she doesn’t smile, she just doesn’t look like herself....those days are really hard. And those days become harder and harder as they turn into multiple days in a row.

I don’t mean to get sad or down. I am only trying to express how hard this is on the daily. I am only trying to be real, to let you into our reality. I love my daughter more than anything, this will never change. I will continue to be here for my daughter, to help fight with her. This will never change.

But.

I miss Vegas. I miss “normal”.