Nights and Mornings

It has been 3 weeks now since this whole nightmare ordeal started.

3 weeks.

Nights and mornings are still the worse. These continue to not get better for me.

We always come back between 9-10 pm to say goodnight to Emerson and to say a little prayer for her. It is always hard to leave her for the night and we just pray she has a good night. We pray that we won’t get a phone call in the middle of the night. There are so many worries and stresses leaving the hospital at night. If she is having a bit of a fit or struggling herself (crying), it is even extra hard to leave for the night. We have often left in tears or gone back and cried. It is really hard.

Sleep brings relief. I have not had one dream about this whole ordeal or nightmares. Sleep has brought me relief from what is going on. My body and my mind are able to relax. I am able to sleep.

However, waking up immediately brings you back to where you are and why. It is hard to get out of bed. It is hard to not keep sleeping. It is this huge weight over me. I struggle. We need to get to the hospital and see how her night went and how she is doing. Every morning waking up is a constant reminder that my daughter is not with us, that she is in the hospital fighting for her life, and this nightmare continues for us. It is really hard.

I am learning as a parent it is really really hard to be so powerless. I literally can’t help my child. When she is crying (she is still not making a ton of noise due to being intubated for weeks), and she is staring directly at me, and she is in pain, and she has big tears rolling down her face, and I know she needs me and wants me, and I can’t help and I can’t pick her up, and I can’t bounce her, and I can’t do anything but rub her head and tell her its okay, dad is here. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this. This is my first born child, this is my everything, and I can’t do anything....it crushes me.

Still, I stand strong for my daughter. I pray for her constantly.

God please help us.